Sunday, March 8, 2015

The father karma

(This is just a one sided story.  I'm sure there's the father's version, and then there's the version that corresponds to what is actually going on which neither of us can see clearly because we color them with our own stories.)

I have a particularly difficult father who ruled the family with fear brought about from the abuse resulting from his bouts of uncontrolled anger.  He used money as way to control and oppress people. Of course, he probably grew up in a difficult family situation (my grandparents), and their parents (great grandparents) in turn were probably a mess.  How far up the chain does this go?  And how does one free one's self from such a bondage?  I have not yet found the answer but hope to find it some day.

The most difficult energy that I have to overcome is that of being able to communicate.  He completely lacks empathy and needs to hear words, usually extracted harshly, to understand what is going on and usually responds with criticism or meaningless advice.

My biggest issue is with his sense of logic.  He has two sets of rules -- one that apply to him and another that apply to the rest of the world (which includes me).  That he has harsh rules that apply to the rest of the world explains why he is extremely lonely and has no one call on him, except those that do so out of obligation or co-dependence.

The logic operates as follows:
  • If he makes a mistake (or even a huge blunder), then it was something that was pre-destined or karmic.
  • If he does something right, then it's because he took the right decision.
  • If anyone else makes a mistake (even a minor one) or behaves in way that does not fit his idea of what they should be doing, they must be subject to criticism.
  • If anyone else gets something right, it was pre-destined or karmic and they deserve no credit for it.
Using the above logic, it becomes impossible to have a conversation about anything meaningful.  Discussions with him are usually on the lines of me receiving a spiritual discourse of his interpretation of the scriptures, the weather, the economy, the political situation, etc.   Sadly, none of these are meaningful to me especially since they will usually be accompanied by some critical judgement.

That said, his psyche was probably built to help him survive whatever it is that life threw at him.  But does that mean I must suffer due to that? Given that I cannot change any of those events, how can change myself to be more accepting and forgiving without at the same time feeling hurt, oppressed and trampled upon, and suppressing my own feelings of injustice which in turn lead to stress-related health issues?  That, in summary, is my life's challenge.  

The closest I can think of as a solution is to rise above myself and see this as a situation involving two people that needs to be resolved in a fashion that is beneficial to both.  Does such a solution exist?

It has been my experience that the father karma extends to several relationships especially how we perceive those in authority.  Difficult father karma tends to manifest itself in relationships with teachers, bosses, and others that we think of as having control over us.  It has been the single defining challenge of my life.

Eric Klein has an interesting cartoon depiction of the father karma.

This is a good article about how to heal from a toxic parent.

No comments:

Post a Comment